So if this is indeed an accurate concept, what goes into the communication wardrobe of an elegant communicator?

1. Ability to quickly build rapport.
2. Ability to listen and respond with empathy – key ingredient of no1.
3. Able to keep own communication ‘clean’ i.e. without introducing personal interpretation, bias, assumption, filtering. Hard, not impossible and ultimately critical to success.
4. A genuine unconditional positive regard. The ability to be tough on the issues and not on the person. Able to maintain or enhance self-esteem
5. Encourage others through showing interest. The only way to do this authentically is to be genuinely interested.
6. Congruence – litmus paper test. What you say or do needs to be matched by how you look and sound when you say or do it. Open and honest communication draws heavily from this.

Achieving elegance should be a constant aim, I know it is for me.

“sadly, no” said the English-speaker… by now in tears.

The cultures prevailing in the Western World seem to come up short with regard to treating people with unconditional positive regard. We do not naturally have our greatness, our fundamental spirituality recognised in the way represented by that simple yet potent Tibetan phrase.

Thatchenkery and Metzker wrote “the key is in finding the oak tree in the acorn.” My interest is in how we can identify, develop and release this meta-intelligence in others.

I agree with David Cooperrider, co-creator of ‘Appreciative Inquiry’, that being able to appreciate the positive possibility in every person and situation opens up enormous opportunities, quite often untapped and having the capacity to create a huge impact on the World.

Using “given that” allows the speaker to bring into the conversation all the driving forces behind the topic. “In order to” helps to engage help and involvement from the other party. Here’s an example from a conversation between two people, one of which is aiming to influence the other to adopt a particular course of action:

“given that you have been looking for an opportunity to develop your management skills I thought this project would offer you exactly that.” “In order for you to be able to do that we would need to free some of your time. Given that, who would you suggest could pick up the XYZ process whilst you concentrated on the project.”
“Given the short time scale before the project starts and in order to let Operations know who our representative is in time, please let me know your thoughts by the end of tomorrow.”

I class this as neutral language because there is no bias in its use (i.e. persuasion). It is powefully influencial however by its use of linked assertive statements.

It works extremely well in ‘difficult’ discussions. Parents can use it with children around 9+ too.

What do you think about these patterns?

It is interesting how many people, including Terry Wogan and the Daily Mirror’s Matt Roper,  have described Monica as scary and her communication style as ‘icy put-downs’. http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2009/09/28/grilled-by-the-scariest-chef-on-television-115875-21705783/

As someone who specialises in communication, I think she has a direct and authentic style. What makes her style so effective is the detail she puts into her feedback.  For example,”You have produced four good fillets – I asked for five.”  “This is not what I asked for…”  “”This sauce is good, Michel would happily serve this.”

Assertiveness – which characterises Monica’s approach – is about being confident and direct and getting your point across without violating the rights of the other person. An assertive response should feel direct without being abrupt and get its point across without it appearing personal.

I described her as authentic because she said to me via facebook that ‘Michel told me to go on there and just be how I am in the resturant’. You can see no affectation about her and she has been consistent across the series. One ‘clue’ to someone seeking celebrity status in this environment is to coin a catchphrase. For an example, consider Monica’s fellow host Greg Wallace.  Greg says ‘cook well!’  on each programme , uses odd metaphors about the metallic nature of tastes added to that his aggressive diatribes suggest attention grabbing.

Not so Monica, despite the producers’ attempts to inject drama.

Giving effective feedback:

1. Feedback should be direct, detailed and accurate.
2. It should clearly identify what you observed and what point you want to make about it.
3. You should offer information about any ‘gaps’ identified and suggest what would need to be different to be better
4. It should be directed at the issue not stated in the personal.

The main purpose of neutral language is that it avoids evoking strong emotion. This is extremely useful when people interact on a topic that might,  should strong emotions be present, prove difficult. Neutral language can allow those involved in an interaction sufficient comfort to explore all aspects of the conversation without feeling harmfully defensive, judgemental or with tolerances affected by hightened emotional stimuli.

I recently ran a session with a coachee who was in an agitated state over the way he felt he was being managed. He skirted around a number of issues citing one incident after another without focusing on a specific point. I asked him what he wanted to have happen and he didn’t feel he knew. His emotional state, I felt, was getting in the way of rational thinking and changed to using deliberately neutral language. I asked him what respect meant to him. This stopped him short before pausing and then offering words and phrases aimed at the question. I then asked him to think about a word to describe his manager’s (alleged) behaviour to which he replied, almost instantly, “bullying”. Rather than asking him if he was being bullied, I asked him to describe  to describe the ‘behaviours’  the manager was adopting that he considered to be bullying. His answer included being shouted at and only ever listening to things he’d got wrong, not what he’d done well. His body language and emotional state during this part of the session was very interesting. He became less agitated almost immediately and started to take time to think over his responses. He looked calmer and became more articulate. What interested me was that although the topic was still about him being bullied his approach was very different. I attribute this to the neutral positioning of the question ‘what behaviours made that bullying?’. He was now discussing the issue rather than the person (The one who was allegedly doing the bullying).

This difference, as subtle as it may seem to be, is significant as it allows the conversation to go on and robustly, without the personal effects of heightened emotion getting in the way.

What examples of using neutral language do you have?

Freeforums.org operates in conjunction with google ads and the choice of advert is completely outside of my control. I say this because, despite setting my preferences for the advertising topics that are family friendly,  adverts for dating agencies have appeared at the top of my forum. I do hope this causes no offence and I can state categorically that I do not support any of the ads featured. Should this continue I will suspend the forum rather than risk causing offence.

I am hoping to be able to report an amazing success in maybe three months\’ time. Over to you…

The original conversation was about someone’s discomfort in writing a personal statement about herself in connection with a bid for promotion. She said that she was told as a child ‘not to boast’ and this manifests itself in a number of ways in her adulthood, one of which is a real discomfort in any behaviour she has to do that includes promoting herself or her achievements. We talked around the challenge of such a belief with regard to its effect upon promotions etc and there was little movement – UNTIL – I asked her, out of the blue, “what were you told about telling the truth?” Instantly she replied “I was told to always tell the truth”.  “From the same source” I enquired. “Yes, my father”. came the reply. “So, if you really had achieved these things it would be truthful to say so, in fact it would be less honest NOT to…” I replied. “Hmmmmm, you have a really good point” she said, going very quiet.

We explored the difference between boasting and reporting and the rest was left to her to move on with.

1. What you can get done in your life depends on how you manage your time – choices, choices, choices. Life is full of opportunity and choice. In order to accomplish things that are important to you, you may need to manage your time with a similar level of importance. Read David Allen’s excellent book “Getting things done”  and catch him on you tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPSzAz_ZQIA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qo7vUdKTlhk. Here’s a link to his website too http://www.davidco.com/what_is_gtd.php
2. Recognise that managing your time poorly is only a habit – and like all habits they can be difficult to change but can be changed nonetheless. Habitual behaviour is about making the same type of decision time after time – doing what you always do gets you exactly that – what you have always got. Habits form over time and therefore can take time to change. Be prepared for you to persevere for a significant period of time before the new, more appropriate behaviours become a more effective habit.
3. Time can be viewed in a number of ways – and often so-called time management remedies relate solely to one way of thinking and working and that is the reason many fail to work. Find and keep the things that work for you. If it doesn’t work try something else. Examples of different views of time include “time is short, use it well”, “time is plentiful if you know how to live it”.  “Time waits for no man” “A stitch in time saves nine”.
4. Access ‘In-time’ moments – In-time moments are the ones where you associate into the experience; they allow you to savour the experience. Immerse yourself in activities to get the best experience. Spend time absorbed in the moment – but have in place mechanisms (alarms etc) to ‘pull you out when necessary. Without in-time moments creativity and innovation would be limited.
5. Access ‘through-time’ moments – Know when to disassociate from an experience – stepping back and viewing your ‘timeline’ out in front of you like a map will help you to see where you need to go and what progress you are making. It is the habit that poor time managers need the most. List-making is one thing, list using however is another – through time means effectively using the lists you make and making the lists you need to use.
6. Take time to re-evaluate your life - every now and again revisit what it is you want out of each aspect of your life (work, family, friendships, finance, health, interests and experiences etc). What has changed? What do you ACTUALLY have to do as the next step for you to move towards each one?
7. Recognise that beliefs and values affect the way you use your time – recognise the limiting beliefs that help you fritter away valuable time – by believing in different things or about things differently you can change your behaviours.
8. The environment you are in can make a difference to the way you react to time – open plan offices might make concentrating more difficult for instance. Working from home for some is liberating, for others distracting. Getting some fresh air each day may be just the adjustment in your environment needed to change your resourcefulness – and therefore your effectiveness using time.
9. The behaviours you adopt are within YOUR control – do you have the capability to assert yourself to protect your time and your priorities? If not this is an excellent place to start – coaching can really help here.
10. Give yourself affirmations every day – you may have a long way to go in order to manage your time effectively. An affirmation is something that helps you to recognise and celebrate a success, whilst also recognising there is still a way to go. This is another useful five-a-day activity.