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Neutral language – an act of elegance March 12, 2011

Posted by Vincent in Uncategorized.
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One of my prime aims, both professionally and personally is to be able to communicate elegantly. What I mean by ‘elegance’ in this context is this: Think of being at a function of some kind and in walks someone who you consider to be elegant. It may not be immediately evident as to what exactly makes them appear that way. It is likely to be that whatever it is they are wearing, their appearance, manner and actions just seem to be perfectly suited to the occasion, it simply works.
Now, apply this to communication. An elegant communicator will be someone who, although it may be difficult to discern at the time, will listen, attend, observe, respond, question and gesture in exactly the way that is needed at the time; needed by the other person or parties to the conversation.

So if this is indeed an accurate concept, what goes into the communication wardrobe of an elegant communicator?

1. Ability to quickly build rapport.
2. Ability to listen and respond with empathy – key ingredient of no1.
3. Able to keep own communication ‘clean’ i.e. without introducing personal interpretation, bias, assumption, filtering. Hard, not impossible and ultimately critical to success.
4. A genuine unconditional positive regard. The ability to be tough on the issues and not on the person. Able to maintain or enhance self-esteem
5. Encourage others through showing interest. The only way to do this authentically is to be genuinely interested.
6. Congruence – litmus paper test. What you say or do needs to be matched by how you look and sound when you say or do it. Open and honest communication draws heavily from this.

Achieving elegance should be a constant aim, I know it is for me.

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Making sense of my feelings… August 5, 2008

Posted by Vincent in Business coaching, Celebrity coaching, Coaching in general, Executive Coaching, Life Coaching, NLP.
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The late David Groves’ ‘Clean Language’ patterns are helping me to explore broad, or vague, terms used by my coachees. Such terms include ‘frustration’, ‘anger’, ‘resentful’, change, etc. known as “Nominalisations” in the NLP Meta-model.

I have taken the clean language pattern syntax as Groves created it as I am still feeling my way using the technique; it follows this syntax:

“and [XXX], and what [XXX] is that [XXX]?” (where xxx= the coachee’s nominalised term)

A recent example from one of my sessions might help.

Alison (name changed) was confronting her {unwanted} emotional response to feeling ‘guilty’ for something her rational mind knew was outside her control. Attempts at articulating it had been unsuccessful and she felt ‘stuck’ trying to explain. I could sense her frustration and asked “and guilty – and what guilty is that guilty?”

I remember feeling really odd as the words left my mouth and expected her to reply along the lines of “what are you on about?”

That she didn’t was one thing, that she looked down, breathed deeply from her abdomen and said quite deliberately, “like I can’t move because my legs are stuck in blocks of concrete” was another – and very surpising response it was.

I ventured on…

“and stuck in concrete, what stuck in concrete is that stuck in concrete that is guilty?”

She kept her gaze down and continued, “like the blocks stop me from being able to move on”

“and not being able to move on, what is that not being able to move on that is set in concrete that is guilty?”

I was really aware of sounding peculiar but her responses seemed to help open up her thoughts

“protection from feeling I have left people I care about behind for my own interests” – followed by an enormous sigh and slight shaking as if about to sob.

“and leaving people, and what leaving people is that leaving people that is not able to move on that is guilty”

Like my father did when I was young – left us because he wanted to further his career!

I am not sure if what I did was pure Grovesian – I do know it was extremely successful then and for all the other times I have used it.

 

Comments please  –

how do YOU use clean language? how do YOU use clean coaching?

What was YOUR experience of having clean language used with YOU?

At what age do we start using eye accessing cues? May 24, 2008

Posted by Vincent in Uncategorized.
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I am intrigued to know at what stage in our development we start using eye accessing cues.  I ran an experiment with my three year old son, Jack, this morning and it worked perfectly.

I asked him three questions about Scooby Doo and observed his eye movements. Here is what happened.

“Jack, what colour is Shaggy’s t-shirt?” – His eyes went straight up and to the right (as I looked at him) and he said “that colour”, pointing to something green.http://www.buycostumes.com/Category/0/Product/17747/ProductDetail.aspx

“It is, you’re right Jack. What does Scooby’s laugh sound like?” He looked to the side and right and then did his best  “hee hee hee hee” impression! Scooby Doo\’s hee-hee-hee laugh

“Ha, ha he sounds just like that Jack. Do you like watching Scooby Doo?” His eyes immediately dropped as he thought, then said “yes, I like Scooby wah!” (Wah is Jack’s word for scary monsters).http://mediabiz.blogs.cnnmoney.cnn.com/category/online-video/page/2/

Jack’s developing pretty typically for three and he accessed the cues with a deliberateness that he couldn’t possibly have ‘put on’ at his age.

What are your experiences?

 

NLP Eye-accessing cues May 22, 2008

Posted by Vincent in Assertiveness, Business coaching, Celebrity coaching, Coaching in general, Conflict resolution, Life Coaching, NLP, Team coaching, Uncategorized.
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Here’s a really useful way of explaining the NLP eye accessing cues., couresty of You tube!video

What do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rl9sOYPT5UY